I get scared when I walk through these stages.

The fatal mistake I have been making with my life.

We all have a bit of a dark past.

Something that’s hidden. Something which was never mentioned. Or even if it was told, they all threw that ball of importance into the bins as if it were some mere piece of shit.

Attention matters. It does.

Especially from the people you expect it from. Here’s the scenario, you talk to your mother about the piano recital chance offered to you from school. And she tosses it off with a “Meh… So what…?”

Oops… That hurts.

Anyways, getting personal hereafter.

This week has been a little load. Flipping through the pages of the old books, ingrained with spiritualism… My eyes are blank.

My mind has time travelled into the past. I’m walking down the lonely corridor of my school. This is going to be the second last year. A lot of things had happened in my life. Funny, how there has been so much and yet there have been moments where I think I’m just tired of life. Laughs on me 😂

I learnt swimming this year. Amazing feeling when you submerge yourself into the water. And there’s a harmony in the water when you try to suffocate yourself. You don’t want to live. It’s fine… Merge with the water. There’s the light! Oh God! You came for me…

Spoiler: There’s no light.

Not while you are dying or passing your last moments.

Your body makes you hallucinate visions.

The swimming camp came to end with the cold winter waters of November.

Our newly learnt swimmers … my age group was 15 and above… So yeah, I was the second smallest child there by age.

We had a small last feast and then, it was 8 30pm, I washed my hands… Bent down and touched the swimming water, as a goodbye because I don’t think I am signing up with 3000 Rupees next year. Money isn’t the factor. It’s the time and energy.

An hour goes by… 3 days a week. And I am exhausted like a bull running a marathon.

I met Sharanyo and Saikat… my best buddies at the swimming. I still keep in touch with them. And Sharanyo is also planning to go abroad for UG (inspired by me! Ha ha)…

Cycling trips at night had been amazing.

The empty roads, trees on the side, a little effort on the pedals but the wind soothes your wet skin. It’s not just that you are enjoying the wind, but the wind also loves to feel your touch.

It’s gentle. And caring.

The nights… the darkness… remind myself of a little darker where I would rather shut myself in a room and study like an ignorant egoist super-careerist introvert, than to go out and play with friends.

Ha Ha… Career isn’t everything.

And a career which doesn’t give you peace, isn’t worth having. Ankur Warikoo realized it long ago. And I don’t think he regrets his decision of dropping out of Michigan University.

The cycle stops at the ice-cream shop. A newly started ice-cream parlor had been set up on the way to my swimming. And trust me, for an ice cream eating monster like me… It’s a paradise :)

I have tried each and every single ice-cream that shop had. Arun (the ice-cream company) is just fantastic. There’s a different satisfaction when the ice-cream melts inside my mouth and seeps down :)

It’s creamy, milky, and smooth ;)

***I’m talking about ice-cream :)

Well with growing age, everyone of us become aware that … priorities change. On any special occasion I would stop by and have ice-cream. But I guess, this time… I’m not stopping…

Reasons:

1. I have Sharanyo on my side. So if I stop to buy ice-cream, I would buy him too.

2. My tummy is too full of the chicken and tandoori roti, I had on the feast.

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Priorities change. Just like your favourite song shifts to something new, after a few months. A lot of things change. And temporary things must change. The time flows… We and our humanity along with its desires should adapt to the passing time. Something purely constant is perfect. No biased-ness. No desires. No and nothing.

In these flow of time… the change we go through is a constant one too…

Perhaps, Change and Pain are the only constants in life.

One, makes us adapt to the new circumstances… And the other makes us stronger to the bad circumstances.

Age is just a number… That’s one of the lines of the description of the WhatsApp channel which I have recently started for The Teenager’s Diary. Feel free to join it.

Now after passing the ice-cream parlor…

Our cycles sped up to the maximum on the human-less road, I was pondering on the fact that on what things maturity really depends on… Age isn’t it.

It’s the circumstances. A discreet name of the process called ‘life’.

I hadn’t been conscious before.

I have been screaming at a god I don’t know if I believed in.

They say that the initial years of a business/start-up is just a straight line and then, after a period of a few years, if we are consistent and smart enough to make it scale, the graph goes exponential.

But really, it’s not a straight line.

If you zoom in, you will see mountains and valleys spiking up and down. Those are just normal mountains. Those are efforts. And rather than, focusing up on a ten different things, it’s better to get one or two things started and go full.

I’ve been making this … mistake .

I have realized this finally that, instead of donning a hundred hats on my head, it’s better to take up one or two big goals and work your ass off towards them.

My priorities are finalized.

1. Get into a good college.

2. Be financially free before I turn 25.

3. Experience life throughout… in all its phases and circumstances.

And that’s all I have and that’s all I would be working upon from now on.

Just like Nat wrote in his latest blog… our endeavors in life is like climbing a mountain and it takes time to find if the mountain we are climbing is the right one or not.

Finally… I’m realizing the much needed clarity.

Who I want to be. Why I do I want to be. What I am.

Time is running. And I have a lot of work to do.

I’m going to make it my last life.

For now, I’ll keep this personal thingy short :)

I’m done being the jack of all trades… It’s time to be the expert…

And feel free to read this too :)

Thank you for reading :)

I would really appreciate if you drop down your thoughts in the comments :)